My mother married my stepfather when I was 6. I remember always being very uneasy around him. I never felt safe. Even at around 8 years old – I used to hang a chime on my bedroom door handle, so I would wake up if someone came in my room.
They went on to have 2 children, one 7 years younger than me, one 10 years younger than me. I loved them like they were my own children and cared for them often more than our mother.
My stepfather made a lot of inappropriate comments about my body as a child and teenager. He would often walk in the bathroom while I was showering. We weren’t allowed to lock the door. He told me I should walk around the house in my underwear, because it was no different to swim wear. I knew this was wrong but couldn’t explain why. Now I know – underwear has a sexual connection to it.
As a young teenager, he would make very inappropriate comments about my friends’ bodies and comments such as ‘how’s your love life’. It was incredibly embarrassing, and one friend refused to come to my home because of him. She said her parent’s banned her from coming to my house. It was mortifying.
He used to take baths with my 2-year-old sister. (Maybe she was 3 – I’m not entirely sure of the age). He commented once that she used his penis to lift herself out of the bath. My mother laughed. My mother witnessed all of his behaviors and laughed. This is child sexual abuse. I was told in counseling this is extremely abusive and there was no doubt more abuse than I actually knew about, as I was only 12 or 13 at that time.
His friends were equally disturbing.
One friend – an old name named – Bill was a neighbor, who I’ve been told since- all the other neighbors knew was a pervert. My mother and stepfather were good friends with him. He sexually abused both me and my middle sister. When I finally exposed the abuse, I was told to shut up, stay quiet, never speak about it to anyone and told if I ever phoned ‘Child-Line’ the new phone service for abused kids – I would go and live with another family. A few months later, I saw my stepfather and the pedophile talking by the front gate. They were clearly still friends. My mother saw this too. She did nothing.
One friend named Allan, went on to horrifically abuse me and he went to prison. My mother and stepfather would absolutely have known the type of pervert he was and allowed me to spend a lot of time alone with him. The sexual abuse I endured was terrible.
One friend named Jane, had a son who sexually abused my youngest sister. She was about 2 years old. My stepfather wanted to stay friends with them. I was told later, the father of this boy – my mother and stepfather’s friend – was also a sex offender. I was threatened into silence about that too.
I cried so much for my sisters and the abuse they endured and tried hard to protect them and look after them. It required a lot of therapy to get to the point where I didn’t feel like I was the one who let them down and didn’t protect them enough. That was never my responsibility. Was never my shame. Never my guilt. I’m okay with that now.
Another friend named Alan, was a man in his 50’s, with a girlfriend who was 16 and they eloped, and her family were distraught. She also looked about 13.
Two other friends included a man who went to prison for child sexual abuse, a pervert who worked for my stepfather who constantly stared at me and made inappropriate comments and my stepfather laughed.
And these are just the ones I knew about. There were no doubt more.
Sadly, my sisters – who were abused, refuse to acknowledge that their father was a sexual deviant, child sex offender and in a ‘ring’ of such people. They live in absolute denial.
And that our mother knew it all, condoned it all and did nothing to protect us.
In the past – I was very angry with my sisters for treating me so badly when I started this blog. They hated that I exposed the truth, despite using a pen name to protect their identities.
I’m not angry with them anymore and I’ve grieved the relationship with them I don’t have.
But, there is no denying their father was a sex offender and his circle of friends were not all these types of people by accident. And that our mother was complicit in it all.
He also became physically violent with both of my sisters later on, including dragging one of them across the floor by her hair. As per her admission. My mother finally left him in the last few years of their lives, because his behavior had become violent. But, it was far too late and she failed to protect all 3 of us.
There was also considerable emotional, psychological, mental and verbal abuse. And extreme gaslighting.
My first counselor was the first to explain to me that this was the situation and that I had in fact been ‘sex trafficked’ within this circle of friends. And so were my sisters.
I’ve worked really hard to heal from all this sexual, emotional and psychological abuse.
I’ve also had to go through considerable grieving for all that happened and all I lost.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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